I learned this from my therapist, my husband, and then I recently heard it again on the radio. The question can be for anyone you have some sort of relationship/friendship with. It’s a way you can respond to someone after they have vented to you about something. The question is…

Do you want comfort or solutions?

To me it sounds kind of like a harsh thing to say to someone after they just poured their heart out to you. This question can be phrased in different ways depending on the situation and person. I do see this to be a very helpful tool, though, to help guide you in your response.

The last feeling I want in an argument is to not feel validated or heard. Which can happen if you’re venting, hoping for comfort, but the person provides you with solutions. And vice versa.

I know some of the arguments that my husband and I have are prolonged because the desire of the response is unknown. Most of the times when I go to vent, I am looking for comfort. Most of the times when my husband vents, he is looking for solutions. It took us awhile to learn this about one another.

I’ve learned to sometimes actually say my intention of the conversation before I start talking. I’ll say something like… “I’m needing comfort” and if I’m looking for solutions I’ll say something like, “I need your help.” Every person is different which is why it’s sometimes useful to ask the question or state your expectations before.

This question doesn’t need to be asked all the time you’re in a situation. Because sometimes your intuition is right with what you think that other person needs. But if you’re ever unclear how to respond, this may be a useful tool to have in your back pocket!